Today I got caught by the police for not having a valid drivers license and now I have a ticket and a fine to pay. Ahhh…but it was a long game of cat and mouse I can tell you. One worthy of inclusion in the archives of classic cartoon chases. Right up there with Coyote and the Roadrunner. I’ ve been eluding police for weeks now. They are stationed all along the roads doing spot checks. So I have mastered the art of taking the side roads. Jumping in ditches. Driving miles out of my way just to make sure I don’t pass them. And then if I do, employing the “I can’t see you” techniques. Like the – “Im sneezing a reeeally huge sneeze and I can’t see you signaling me.” And the – “I’m turning to yell at my kids in the backseat and so I cant see you.” And my personal favourite and most daring technique – “I’m so friendly and clueless and derrwit brained that I am WAVING back at you and smiling because I have misinterpreted your signaling as gestures of friendship.” But today it all came to an end. Busted.
But I know I’ve been breaking the law. And setting a bad example for the children ( who have been unwitting accomplices in crime as they caution me from the backseat…Mum, there’s another one standing at the corner! Mum, watch out there’s one down that road too!) And so when I was finally caught, I accepted my punishment with good grace. I smiled and thanked the officer so pleasantly that he was suspicious of my motives. And when we drove away, I used that moment to ‘teach’…Now, you see kids? It doesn’t matter how hard you try, you will never be able to conceal your bad choices from the law. There will always come a day when you have to face up to the consequences of your actions. If I had only taken the time to obey the law and get a new license, then everything would have been fine. But no, I was lazy and disobedient and now, mummy will have to go and pay $100 – and we will have that much less food to eat this week…(okay, so I didn’t add that last bit in…) I admitted it to them though – I was bad and I must pay.
But you know, I got to thinking – we need to go through all sorts of administrative hoops to get a license to drive a car. And pay all kinds of money to register ourselves as drivers, our cars as roadworthy and then pay all kinds of money for when we do something wrong on the road. Like chat. Text. Forget to put on your seatbelt. These are all very important things to be sure, but have you ever stopped to think about all the other things we do that DON’T require a license? But maybe…just maybe…they should? Think about it – there’s things like…
1. Having sex. You don’t need to take any tests to do THAT. And there’s nobody monitoring you to make sure you do THAT safely. Within the speed limits. With seat belts. With all the pitfalls associated with sex…the STD’s…the potential heartbreak…maybe there should be a required license to lust?
2. Following on from no.1….having babies. There are so many people out there popping out babies that are completely unsuited to be parents. Look at me for example, I have FIVE and there’s no law stopping me from having five more if I wanted to. Nobody checked first to make sure I would do a good job. That I knew something, anything about what I was doing before letting me walk out of that hospital 1,2,3,4,5 times with a helpless baby. There are so many people out there who are not allowed to drive but can still parent the future generations of our nation. Drunk, high, or just plain ole mean and nasty people. I suspect most of us would fail a test for a license to procreate.
3. Singing. On Star Search and Samoan Idol. I’m sorry to be so mean, but am I the only person who thinks there are some truly horrifying singers screeching on our television screens every weekend? I’m all for trying to make your dreams come true but there are some people who just shouldn’t be singing on national television. I don’t get it. At some point for these people, someone in their lives, somewhere, told them they were good enough to try out and then to sing on tv? I am a terrible singer. I know this. I wish I wasn’t. I dream of taking to the stage like Madonna and Shakira. BUT I DON’T. Because I know that I suck. Why is such self truth so difficult for other people to grasp about themselves? Please, somebody needs to insert some quality control on these Samoa Star Search contestants. They are convincing argument that we need licenses to sing.
4. Work as a shop assistant/cashier. In spite of lots of ‘advancements’ and good intentions, Samoa continues to have absolutely dreadful customer service. I buy my food from Lucky’s Foodtown because the cashiers there seem to have grasped the very difficult things. Like smiling. Saying hello. And thanking you for shopping there. And actually handing you your change. Instead of chucking it on the counter like it had a disease. Which is how they do it in OTHER shops. Correct me if Im wrong, but the worst culprits would have to be Chan Mows and Frankies. Farmer Joes is a close third. The cashiers there are either bored and committed to ignoring you / angry that you dare to inconvenience them by shopping there / vacant and lifeless. Nobody offers to help you with your groceries. Nobody greets you. Nobody thanks you for stopping by. I hate these shops. It should be a crime to have such customer service. Imagine how much better it would be if cashiers actually had to take a test and get licensed to serve. And then police-type inspectors could lurk about and jump out at them at odd moments to catch them in the act of being rude. AHA! A ticket for you!
5. Own a cellphone. There are too many people who are not strong enough to NOT be slaves to their cell. Truly. There should be a test you have to pass first before you can own a mobile phone. With questions like…Can you turn your phone off in a movie theater? Can you resist the urge to text your every thought and action to your best friend every two minutes? Can you NOT take semi-naked pictures of yourself and send them to your boyfriend? ( and then stupidly forget to delete them thereby assuring your father will find them and kill you?) Nah. Definitely. We need licensed cellphone users.
I could continue. I know theres more things going on that could benefit from a little more regulation…but this blog is now officially too long. An argument perhaps for why we should pass a law requiring all bloggers need a license? !