conflict, family conflict, love, marriage, relationships, safety, security

He Doesn’t Love Me!

He doesn’t love me! This is what my mind, heart and soul were screaming when me and the Hot Man moved into our first apartment. Because he didn’t lock all the doors, check all the windows and turn on the outside light. No. Instead he just got into bed and went to sleep. What the heck..?! I shook him ( not very gently) and asked, ‘Umm, did you check the doors? Windows?’
“But I looked and they aren’t locked!”
“So if you saw that, then why didnt you lock them then?” And then he went back to sleep. Puzzled by my idiocy.

I stomped off to lock doors, windows and turn on lights. Once the house was secure, I then sat at the dining table and cried. Because the man I had married, clearly did not love me. Did not care about me. Was not the man I thought he was.

Why? Because when I was growing up, that was my Dad’s nightly ritual. He would do a security guard check of the perimeter with his torch and only when he was sure the house was locked – would he then go to bed. I grew up believing that yes, that’s what a MAN does. He locks the house. Keeps out the burglars and zombies. He always has a torch by his bedside for when things go bump in the night and the electricity is off. Sure I did my degree in Feminist Theory, but still, I believed in the sanctity of the security guard man of the house. I looked at my sleeping husband who didnt give a stuff that the back door had been unlocked, who didn’t even have a fudging’ TORCH by his bed and I asked myself, Why did I marry this man!?

The Great Door Locking Debacle was one that caused us a lot of strife in those early days. And it took me a long time to see it for what it really was. In HIS home growing up, the Hot Man’s father didn’t go around locking doors at night. That was something his mum did. So the fact that he didn’t think to go and safeguard my body, heart and soul by checking our fortress security – was NOT a sign that he didnt care about me. It was a reminder that we were two very different people who were bringing to our relationship, two different backgrounds, value systems and childhood experiences. And then somehow, that thing called love is supposed to overcome the differences, meld you two together and make you that Happy-Ever-After couple with butterflies and lovesick birds fluttering around everywhere you go. Bleugh. (No wonder so many relationships crash and burn.) No, after x-amount of years of wedded bliss, I know the secret to making it. Its called compromise. Its called forget all the crap notions/stereotypes you grew up with and commit to forging new value systems, habits and a solid foundation together. (No matter how painful that may be…)

I am reminded of this every night. When I go do my perimeter security check of all the windows and doors. And check my torch batteries before going to bed. Because in this house, in this relationship – that’s what the Hot Wife does. (dammnit)  And there aint no zombies getting in through the house security perimeter on MY watch.

        This Hot Wife has got everything under control.


15 thoughts on “He Doesn’t Love Me!”

  1. Your posts always make me smile Lani. Reminds me of the ongoing fued I have with my own husband who would sleep through the apocolypse and thinks nothing of leaving all the doors open. I've given up and have decided that I will probably be more useful in a crisis than he would be!

  2. Oh Lani. I'm so relieved there are other kick ass mommas out there who are doing the same thing as me. each night i do the perimeter check, flick the lights on and off. double check the doors and windows and than – and only than – do I climb into my side of the bed (with kilikiti bat underneath, just incase). all the while partner 'sleepingbeauty' is snoring his lungs out.

  3. Im wondering how I have survived this long without reading your blogs … You totally fascinate me and inspire me in so many ways and I have not even met you. Im very new to this blog world and never been on anyones blog till now (Blog virgin ???lol). ALways wondered what everyone was talking about when they said they had a blog. You have opened my eyes at your wittiness, sincerity to share your life so openly and i have to stop stalking you on this site coz my husbands beginning to worry why im spending so much time on the laptop now lol. Why Im laughing to myself alot … Im a lil obsessed at the moment and Im hoping just like the thought to spring clean everyday that this obsession with you will pass just as quickly lol… your newest stalker lol (in the least creepiest way lol)

  4. My mother was the one who did the lockup routine at home. When she couldn't be bothered getting up, that was when she'd send my dad, only for him to find it had been done anyway. I think she deliberately did that at times to make a point, lol. Anyway, I automatically took on the routine too when I moved out, especially when living in the more notorious areas in Sydney. Lying in my bed now, reading this at 2:30am, you got me wondering if I had locked the back door. I don't remember doing it, but stuff if I'm going to check now, hehe. Not that I'm tired, it's simply not much of an issue where I now live. Besides, there's nothing of great value in the house except the laptops (well, it's the saved info/work that is most valuable!) but everything else is replaceable. As for zombies, rapists, axe murderers, etc., . . . come on in and say hello to my little friend ๐Ÿ™‚

  5. Lan – that absolutely descrbes this man "sleep through the apocalypse' Very apt descriptor.Joan – I need to get me a cricket bat. I used to sleep with a big ole knife by the bed but then the Hot Man said that was dumb because "you dont even know how to use it. The intruder will just snatch it off you and probably stab you with it." I have a can of mortein bug spray by the pillow – it will kinda have a mace like effect i think when i spray it into the zombies eyes. Oops, wait up, do zombies even have eyes?Thank you anonymous, its always a thrill when someone new stumbles on the blog – and then hangs around enough to join the conversation. Tell your husband that blog reading is way better than looking at photos of SBW and Ryan Reynolds online all the time. (Now, who does that I wonder?hmm…)Hi Elizabeth, what are you doing up on the net at 2.30 in the morning anyway!? You're a woman in training, a gym kickbutt girl who needs to be getting 8 hrs of sleep. Go to sleep immeidately. ( Bossy blogger says as she continues writing at 3am and beyond…)

  6. Ugh..this is totally my job too! Good to know there's a group of mothers out there willing to protect their families from intruders…LOLBtw…I added your blog to my blog list cause you rock…:)

  7. This is so my mum's job too…she's on night patrol. She wakes up at the slightest noise and is downstairs in a flash to check what it is. You can imagine trying to sneak in at 4 in the morning. We call her Willie Winkie. Checking if everyone is sleep. Giving us all that extra tuck in. Checking the windows and doors. The gas stove. The iron. Anything that could potentially kill us in our sleep, my mum had it covered. Now my mum has retired and handed over the reign of night shift to CK…who locks the gate when he comes in at 3am, and the doors and windows. Lol.

  8. Have just spent the last 20mins while feeding my baby no.5 reading and literally lol-ing at your blog. Was introduced to you via Rock Fob recommending your Telesa book, and am now adding you to my reading list…Thankfully my hubby does the perimeter patrols but we have a mini baseball bat by the door jic I need it. Although it tends to end up being used as a rolling pin for my baking adventures haha…

  9. I had a very similar discussion the other night "What do you mean you didn't see the funny position Leah is sleeping in … how on EARTH can you go to bed without checking on the kids?" and he was utterly mystified by my upset-ness. I dunno if this is more to do with my upbringing (I was asleep so don't know if anyone checked on the kids, let alone who that may have been!) or whether I have a vested interest in making sure they're warm and not going to wake me up cos they're cold or a distressing level of anxiety that has haunted me since the day I got pregnant with the first baby! Either way, there is no way on God's green earth I can go to bed without at least casting my eye over my baby girls and ensuring they're (a) still there, (b) still breathing and (c) warm, and likely to remain that way. C'est la vie!

  10. Omigosh! I haven't thought about this for awhile, yeah our dad was good like that…..and as I checked the doors and windows earlier, I'm grateful….because my man is doing all the dinner dishes in the kitchen!

  11. My husband is a mama's boy. lol (it's ok, he doesn't have to know I put him on blast) Anyway, I am fine with holding it down like all the Strong Mama's out there. I had the same issue with my hubby early in our marriage. Well sort of. More like "…if you loved me you would replace the toilet paper roll with the tissue rolling from the bottom, and for the love of God put the toilet seat down! Damn savages! LOL!

  12. Hi….totally loving the blogs ๐Ÿ˜€ A friend suggested them and once I started reading I couldnt stop and this one in particular had me laughing. I am married,its been several months and I am constantly finding myself angry at my man for not doing certain things the way I 'expect' him to do it, which ofcourse leads to fights, and lonely nights. But your so right! I love this guy for who he is as a person and I married him because I cant be without him, and you, have reminded me through this blog. Thanks so much ๐Ÿ˜€ P.S- hes Arab lol

  13. HI Anon, a lot of my blog posts are me trying to make sense of my own nutty world – so Im happy to hear that it makes a little sense to you and your own situation. Great to have you join us at Sleepless in Samoa!

  14. This is officially the first blog I have read at all and like someone else mentioned I have heard about "blogging" but never bothered to actually go online to check it out. And now….I am going to be a regular on here:) thanks Lani for giving me something to read other than work emails, facebook, trademe and nz herald:) This is much more stimulating not to mention hilarious!!!

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