I am Wild Warrior Woman. Hear me Roar.

The Bella Beast wanted a dog for her birthday. I said hell no, I have five kids  – I dont want to look after six. Because Ive been a mother long enough to know thats what happens when you get a pet. It becomes the mother’s responsibility to feed it, wash it, deflea it and love it.

But then the Hot Man was scrolling through dog ads on some cutesie pet website and up pops pictures of a Siberian Huskie. And my heart catches fire. And I am swept away with longing. Weak with willingness to befriend a Siberian Husky with blue eyes. I am reminded of Jack London books that entranced me as a child, ‘Call of the Wild’ and ‘White Fang’. Books with wolf dogs in them. Wild, fierce, beautiful wolf dogs. And I wanted one. Desperately. Because then I wouldnt be a shy, quiet, nerdy girl with no social skills. No, with a Siberian Husky dog by my side,  I would be a confident, kickass, wild warrior woman who people were alternately scared of and fascinated by!

I announce to the Hot Man and the teenagers, “We should get Bella a dog. Like this. A Siberian Husky. Thats what she needs. Thats what she wants.” Mothers lie sometimes to get what they want. In case you didnt know.

They are bemused by my change of heart. But we do some research. Do you know these dogs are so intelligent they can open doors, open the fridge, climb over a chain link fence, do the laundry and scrub the bathroom? (ok, maybe the last two are an exagerration. Whatever) Did you know Siberian Husky dog owners enter their dogs in sled races? And huskies have to be taken for looooooong runs everyday because they are so energetic and strong? I tell the Hot Man, that IF i had a Husky, I would go for 10K runs every day. Just me and my husky. I can see it now….both of us, running along as fit and fierce creatures, beauty in motion, tireless, relentless. Just think how athletic and toned I would be, IF I had a husky? Maybe we would get a sled! I could enter Sled races! How super exciting is that?! Me and my Sled dog team…barreling through the white wilderness, defying the elements, at one with the universe! (Yes, I am aware there is no snow in West Auckland, thank you Dream-Killer. Keep your horrible thoughts to yourself.) Ohmigosh, me and my Husky team could enter the Iditarod Trail Sled Dog Race from Anchorage to Nome! We could be hanging out with Balto! I could be like Pocohantas! (No, wrong movie.)

I want a husky, dammit. I want it now. But its not looking good. Siberian Huskies in NZ cost at least $1000. And eat like wolves. I cannot afford a dog like this. I would have to sell a kidney to buy it. And the other kidney so i could feed it.

I am bereft. And then I find an ad that wants to GIVE AWAY three Siberian Husky puppies. Adorable, fluffy white puppies with piercing blue eyes. It’s too good to be true! I email the man. He emails back. He’s elderly, sick, about to have an operation. He loves his puppies with all his sickly heart but can’t give them the attention they need. He only wants them to have a good home. I email him my condolences about his operation, his illness, his sadness. I offer MY good home for his puppies. I tell the Hot Man and the teenagers. We have to spell the word D-O-G so that Bella doesnt know what we’re planning. Big Son is excited. He sends the pics to all his friends. (I think Big Son has visions of himself taking Siberian Huskies for a 10k run. Where he’s shirtless. With rippling muscles. And together him and the Husky are the epitome of wild warriors.) 

Big Daughter starts making a list of possible names for the dogs. Umm…excuse me? These are MY dogs, thank you very much. She wants to call one, “Snowflake”. Umm… are you out of your mind? My Husky is not a fluffball of fluffiness. My Husky is ferocious and loyal and warriorlike. Like me ( in my mind.) My Husky is going to be called, “Blade”. Or “Fang”. Or “Erik” the True Blood viking. Or “Stormblade.”

We are making excited plans for our new dogs when Little Daughter interrupts us, “What’s a D-O-G?”

We all roll our eyes at her atrocious grasp of spelling. (The child is ten.)  And then i get an email from the dog owner. Bad news – he lives in Napier. While we live in Auckland. But dont worry, he can send the dogs to us via a pet transport company! All we have to do is pay $395 direct to the Pet Transport people and he will send us the dogs ASAP. What a small price to pay for me to have my very own husky dog sled team. I’m already planning my outfit. For when Im a dog sled woman. I’m thinking steel grey and red ski suit… And then the Hot Man jokes, “It sounds a bit like one of those Nigerian money scams. Wouldnt it be funny if this were a trick?”

Me and my Sled dog team don’t think its funny. But I go ahead and google the Pet Transport company.

It doesnt exist. Anywhere on Google.

Me and my Sled Dog team come to a crashing halt. I email the man to ask him about the company. He emails me back with a link to pay for the transport bill. I have to pay by Western Union. To an account in the UKRAINE.

Me and my Sled Dog team go over a snow-topped cliff. Crash.

I email the man querying why the NZ Pet transport company (that doesnt exist in any business directory) has an account in the freakin Ukraine?  He emails back a completely implausible story. Almost as implausible as a person who wants to give away THREE dogs that cost one thousand dollars each, to complete strangers.

I am beyond enraged. I am a wolf who wants to rip out this scammer’s throat. But its no use. Because he’s thousands of miles away. In the Ukraine. And not even a Siberian Husky dog sled team can reach him.

I dont send any money to the Ukraine. I dont get a Siberian Husky. Or three. We buy Bella a bike for her birthday instead.

What have we learned from this?

1. I don’t need a Siberian Husky to be a Wild Warrior Woman. If dog-scammers read blogs, read this: One day I WILL get to the Ukraine. And when I do? Be afraid. Be very afraid.
 2. I need to spend less time writing and more time teaching Little Daughter how to spell.
3. You shouldnt try to get things for free. Not even dream dogs.
4. The only way I’m getting a Siberian Husky dog is if Santa brings me one.
5. If something is too good to be true? Then it’s not true.