Somebody was butchered in my bathroom. Hacked to pieces in gruesome fashion.
Or at least that’s what it looks like. Red-stained gloves, red spatters all over the floor, the basin, the unlucky bathtub – even the mirror has got slaughter evidence on it. It’s not pretty. And it’s not coming off.
This is what happens when a woman is bored at ten pm. When she thinks, “New Year…New ME!” When she comes across a box of hair dye that she bought on sale over a year ago (because she saw a pic of Rihanna’s violent red hair and asked herself, ‘why can’t I be bold and vivid like that? And then she came to her senses and stored the box in the cupboard and didnt think about it again. Until last night.)
So there I was. Tired of looking like me. Tired of being sensible and practical. So what did I do? I (a total hair-dye novice who has NEVER colored her hair before) decided to live on the edge and Just Do It. Bring on the magic.
Big Son was the only child awake to witness my exciting adventure. He told me I was being stupid.”Don’t do it mum. All your hair will probably fall out. Or the color will look hideous on you.”
Big Son doesn’t get it. Living life on the edge REQUIRES a little stupidity. Heck, if it doesn’t work, I can just shave all my hair off and be exciting and bold in a Vin Diesel kinda way. So I ignored him. (That’s why we have children anyway. So we can ignore them.)
I read the instructions carefully. I followed them. I sat for 30 minutes with that stuff on my head. Waiting for magic. Big Son was in hysterics. Taking pictures. “You look like a zombie! Like Darth Maul with hair! Like you work at Spookers! blah blah.”
I ignored him. I was waiting for the magic.
Then it was time to unleash the new me. A vivid, violet red-haired new me. I washed my hair.
And then I wanted to sue the Schwarzkopf Hair company because they neglect to tell novice idiots that:
1. This dye will stain your skin. Try your bestest NOT to get it on your scalp. ( Or your face, your forehead, your neck, your fingers, your feet…) ONLY put it on your hair.
2. This dye will also stain your house. Try your bestest NOT to get it on the floor, the basin, the mirror, the bathtub, the floormat, the wall… ONLY put it on your hair.
Yeah, yeah, I know what you’re thinking – you’re thinking ‘but Lani, its permanent hair dye, didnt you think of those things before you slathered it all over your head and splattered it everywhere in your bathroom?’ No, I wasnt thinking, okay? Because I was being exciting. Bold. A daredevil. Unleashing the new me.
I washed my hair. I dried it. And there’s something freakishly wrong. The dye has stained my head. And there’s red marks on my neck and my back (that may or may not look like nasty skank love bites). There’s violent red stuff all over the bathroom that is stubbornly refusing to be scrubbed off.
But my hair?
Is still brown.
Conclusion? The New Me is an idiot. That looks like Darth Maul with hair.