The other day the Princess asked me “What would you wish for if all your dreams could come true?”
And before I could stop them, my thoughts took off with a flying leap and I was transported to an otherworld of delight…
There I was, attending some fabulous awards ceremony where the movie adaptation of my book TELESA was going to win several awards… walking up the red carpet with my date Sonny Bill Williams on my arm – who of course only had adoring eyes for me. I was looking like me but not quite like me – skinnier, younger, less worn, perfectly shaped eyebrows, and sporting breasts that hadnt ever been rented out by milk-sucking leeches. I was wearing a devastatingly simple but striking Vera Wang dress that cost as much as a house. (And a swimming pool.) Me and SBW are about to enter the building ( as the crowd oohs and aaaahs us) and then we are accosted by none other than Ryan Reynolds. Who, strangely enough, is wearing his Green Lantern outfit. (Huh?) Reynolds speaks,
“Lani – you can’t love him! We were destined to be together. From the moment I first read your book, I knew that we were kindred spirits. And then I started cyberstalking you, and I cant eat, I cant sleep, I cant LIVE without you!”
SBW is not happy with the interruption since HE imagines himself to be the love of my life. He rips open his tux so we can all see his tattoed arm better. And his rippling chest muscles.(Because let’s face it – without the arm and the chiselled chest, the man would be quite forgettable.) He moves into a ferocious rugby tackling pose. The crowd scatters. A woman faints. He growls, “Get lost Green Lantern! How dare you accost my woman. You cant have her! She’s mine! Now I’m going to tackle you with the full extent of my All-Blacks tackling power. You are going to wish you had never put on that ridiculous green underwear this morning!”
I shake my head at their foolishness. I need a REAL man, not these idiots. I am ready to walk away and leave them both to their childish antics when there is a whooshing rushing wind. The heavens open, lightning crackles. Everyone looks up. It’s a bird, it’s a plane…its….Thor!
( Ummm…did I mention that I watched the Thor movie last week? And was rather impressed with that Aussie dude who has obviously done lots of growing since his days on Home and Away?) Yes, there he is. Swinging his hammer around and wearing his low cut jeans that are a teensie bit too small for him, blonde locks blowing in the wind. He lands. He speaks with the voice of thunder. “Begone you foolish mortals! I have finally figured out how to build a new bridge to earth so i can come and claim my beloved. And no, its not Natalie Portman. She’s far too wimpy and clingy for me, not to mention, way too short. No, I’m here for Lani! She wont have to stand on a bucket to reach me so i can kiss her.” He turns to me and kneels, “My love, I have travelled across galaxies for you…will you join me as my wife?!”
Green Lantern and SBW are rendered speechless. They want to fight for me, but what can you do against a god from Valhalla? ( or wherever it is that Thor gods hang out.) Nuthin. I am swept away with lustful longing for the Norse god. I leap into his arms and we fly away. To live happily ever after. (Big sigh.)
Hang on a minute. The dream isnt finished. We have a delightful honeymoon skipping through the moons and stars of the cosmos, holding hands on the rainbow bridge.Aaah bliss.
Then we jump ahead a few years. Me and Thor start having little Baby Thors. And it makes me tired. And grumpy. And fat. And Daddy Thor has to keep going to work, smashing villains and saving the world from one disaster and another. Leaving me at home with all the baby Thors. Who are really driving me nuts. And when Daddy Thor does come home, he leaves his stupid teensie jeans on the floor all the time. And I have to pick them up. And wash them. And that damn hammer makes such a racket and wakes up the baby Thors. And villains are always trying to steal his hammer so he has to sleep with it and guard it and Im getting peeved because i think he loves that thing more than me. And he has this annoying habit of always going for drinks of mead with the boys. And boosty Norwegian barmaids with overflowing bustiers are always trying to throw themselves into his arms. But I almost wish he would fall dangerously in love with one of them because if truth be told, Im getting a little tired of Thor. I mean, really what do we have to talk about? Watching him flex his muscles and swing his hammer around gets really old, really fast. He smiles, he grunts, he has to be harassed to shave and brush his hair and sometimes he forgets why he loves me. Odin powers or no, Thor is just a man.
What a horrible let-down this dream is turning out to be. Reality sucks. I give myself a shake. The Princess is waiting for my answer with an expectant look on her face. I smile and hug her.
“Why nothing darling,I wouldnt wish for anything else but to be right here with you.”
And right then, just for that moment, I really mean it.