My second personal favourite oldie post. Because it felt soooooo good writing it!.
I like going to church, really I do. But there are some things that some people say and do that can really get on my nerves. If Im not feeling very Christian. So in the interests of ‘getting it all out’ and thus better being able to have ONLY loving,pure and charitable thoughts towards everyone, I’m going to let rip with a mini-meltdown…an OPEN DIATRIBE TO ALL DO-GOODERS, NEGATIVE, NOSEY-POKER, INTERFERING BUSYBODIES…
1. Yes that’s right I havent ironed my kids clothes. In fact, i made them put them on before they went to bed the night before. That way, we would all make it to church on time AND with only half the stress and screaming and tantruming that is usually required to get this family there. And if you have a problem with their wrinkly state – then take it up with the man upstairs. Because last time i checked, He didnt care about ironed perfection either.
2. No. I’m not pregnant. I’m just fat. Or to be more precise, I have a tendency to carry all my (excess) weight in my belly. As opposed to YOU who is carrying so much weight that it’s taken on a life of its own and is busting out everywhere and doing strange things to your brain, making you run around telling people they look pregnant and/or fat when in fact they are several sizes SMALLER than you are. And besides, why are you even checking out people’s fatness…shouldnt you be praying and stuff?
3. If I want to pinch my child or give him a slight whack on the head or a little twist of the ears because he just wont stop talking/fighting with his sister/ staring at the lady behind us who insists on singing louder than Mariah Carey on a happy day – then I will. So there. So get over it and pay attention to your own child…who just ran out of the building screaming and is at present, playing hide and seek underneath cars in the parking lot.
4. Yes you are seeing correctly, my child is wearing two shoes of two different colors. She could only find ONE of her shoes this morning and rather than mope about and see that as an excuse NOT to come to church, she chose to be creative with color. If you dont like it, then i suggest you buy her a new pair of matching shoes. And while you’re at it, I would love a new pair of stilettos myself. So i can stab people with them. People who are obsessed with OTHER peoples shoes.
5. And yes, my daughter’s nails are painted five different colors. Overlaid with glitter. And she has stuck a gigantic plastic yellow flower on the top of her head. That happens to clash in a rather frightening way with her purple dress. And she is wearing pink lipgloss. And that is a necklace she is wearing made of all my broken earrings which she has strung artfully together to create an original masterpiece of fashion. And you are smelling correctly. She is reeking quite strongly of my Estee Lauder perfume. And if you dare say a single mean word to her, I will quite possibly, beat you to a pulp with my scriptures / choke you with the kids Froot Loop snacks / lock you in the storage closet with that creepy little boy who loves to kick people in the shins – just because it gives him joy. My daughter wants to be a fashion designer when she grows up. She is creative and loves to experiment with all kinds of different fashion ideas. And she loves coming to church. Because she loves learning about Jesus. And if you dare make her feel the tiniest bit unworthy to be here just because she doesnt look like the other kids…well, lets just say, things are going to get REAL ugly around here.
6. No I do NOT want to hug you. Or kiss your cheek. Or be patted on the shoulder. What is with church and people’s personal space? Are they not compatible concepts? I come here and i have to dodge people hugging and kissing and over enthusiastically greeting each other everywhere. Get this straight. I ABSOLUTELY HATE THE SOCIAL KISS AND HUG GREETING CRAP. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. Im all for world peace and save the children and the whale and make love not war…but that doesnt mean i have to hug and kiss to prove it. Give me my space and I’ll be nice to you. Cross my line and I will be forced to make a run for the carpark where i shall sit in air conditioned comfort, sipping diet coke and reading Twilight.
7. I love coming to church. But sometimes, coming to church with 5 children can be a tad bit stressful. So every now and again I give myself a holiday. I leave all the children at home. With their father. I make sure they have adequate food and water. I even kiss them all goodbye as i skip out the door. As we speak, they are eating pizza leftovers from last night with cake and ice cream. And petitioning their father to be allowed to play illegal xbox games on a Sunday. ( Because their mother wont let them do such sinful things on the day of worship.) So yeah, I did it. I can say it out loud. TODAY, I LEFT MY FAMILY AT HOME SO I COULD COME TO CHURCH IN PEACE AND QUIET AND SIT AND LISTEN AND MEDITATE AND PRAY AND FEEL GOOD. So you think Im a bad mother? Go tell someone who gives a #$@%&*#. And when church is over, I guarantee you, that i will return home a much nicer, much kinder, much gentler woman.
Okay. Thats the end of my rant n rave. I feel so much better now!
5 thoughts on “Confessions”
Hahaha..Love LOVE LOVE this piece Lani. So much truth in it. I swear, some people think they were born to judge others..glad you got had a peaceful Sunday (@ the chapel) hehe
You should carry a fan, signed with."Back off bitches, we're here to pray"
D-XiaoK I love that suggestion. Wanted to tell you that I used this post to build a short story and i included your excellent comment for a final piece! Thank you.
My favorite post bar none! I thought I was the only one who had these thoughts lol I lor my personal space and when pepe enter my personal "bubble" I envision Bruce Lee going ninja on people. I love church but thank God my church broadcasts live via Internet. I stay home and watch in my pajamas lol@LyfesLyrics
Too true this blog, so when at church and I get the "look", I think "oh kalofae, she has a mental illness that's why she stares like that" a'eNote to Self: DON'T hug, kiss or pat Lani on the shoulder in the chapel corridors!! lol … just smile
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