children, communication, conflict, marriage, relationships

Who’s the BOSS? Well, its not me.

Me and the Hot Man were having a discussion about our daughters. And what kind of relationships they will have with the people they will marry one day. (Because yeah, that’s what lame parents do. Sit around and discuss their children all day.) I said,

“The most important factor will be our example. Our children can see what kind of a marriage we have. They can see how we communicate with each other, that this is a partnership of equals. I don’t boss you around. And you don’t boss me around. We share leadership in this relationship.”

Sigh. Isn’t that beautiful? And I meant it. And I believed every word of it. And I wanted to pat both of us on the back and hi-five our awesomeness because we are just such the coolest couple on the planet. Bonus points in heaven!

The Hot Man said, “Excuse me? What did you say? What rubbish! Ha! You boss me around all the time. You’re always telling me what to do.”

I was sure he was joking. But he wasn’t smiling. He looked incredulous. Disbelieving. And he certainly wasn’t doing any hi-fiving of our marital awesomeness either.

I said, “Darling, what do you mean? I never tell you what to do. In fact, most of the time, you do the exact opposite of what I wish you would do. We negotiate and discuss everything. I’m not bossy.”

The Hot Man called our two teenagers into the room. “Son, your mother just said that she and I share leadership equally in this family. She said she never tells me what to do. Is that true?”

Big Son laughed. Incredulously. Disbelievingly. Hysterically. “That’s a joke right? She’s kidding, right?”

I didn’t think anything was funny.

Big Son said, “Mum, you’re always telling Dad what to do. Even my friends notice. When they come over they say Far out man, your mum is like the BOSS. She like, rulez your Dad.” Whoa!’

The Hot Man then asked Big Daughter. “What do you think? Does your mother tell me what to do?”

I glared. The kind of glare that says think very carefully about your answer because your happiness in my house depends on it. Big Daughter answered hesitantly. “Umm, yeah. She kind of does. Not all of the time. But pretty much most of the time. Sorry mum, but it’s true.”

The Hot Man was triumphant. “See!? Even your children know it. You wear the pants in this family. Just be honest about it and face the facts.” He shook his head. “And there you are, trying to tell us that we’re so equal and share leadership…ha.”

I said. “Whatever. Those kids don’t know anything about anything.” I told them to go away. Immediately. Go scrub a floor. Wash a dish. Climb a tree. (And we’re never having any of their stupid friends over at our house anymore either. So there. So there.)

And then I said to the Hot Man. “I never tell you what to do. Ever. You have to stop talking such rubbish, do you hear me? And you need to tell your children that I never tell you what to do, do you hear me?”

And he smiled and said. “Yes Lani. There you go again. Telling me what to do.”

I give up.  According to these people who live in the same house as me, I’m a bossy, controlling, woman who always tells her husband what to do. Shoot me now. No bonus points for me in heaven.

But maybe, just maybe – that’s why this is such a HAPPY, SUCCESSFUL marriage. Because (supposedly) I tell everybody what to do.

You are happy, aren’t you honey? I can’t hear you? Speak up now!

Who’s the boss in your house? Do you think you share leadership? Maybe you’re living in fantasy land. Try asking your kids what they think. Go on, I dare you.

22 thoughts on “Who’s the BOSS? Well, its not me.”

  1. LOL that was great, thanks Lani had a little chuckle. Well I don't have kids yet to ask and we're not even living together yet but he thinks that I'm TRYING to wear the pants, and that I need to throw away the remote that presses all of his buttons. Nope, remote still firmly held in my hand, and the pants fit perfectly well.

  2. LOL, I think that is not such a bad thing maybe. 🙂 Happiness, however it happens is very important. Even if you have to tell them to smile, otherwise you might have to do something drastic. ;p

  3. See thats what I mean though – they are happiest when they are with us…and when they are doing things exactly the way we think they should! LOL (i wish, sigh.)

  4. Agreed. After pestering him a little more, the Hot Man says "We're happy because I LET YOU THINK that you're the boss…when really I am…" LOL. As long as everyones happy, right?!

  5. I just asked my kids who was the boss in our family and straight away their answer was "Dad". Why do you think so? "He's older than you, he's taller than you, he's got a better job than you!" Thanks very much guys : ( lol My girl offered me a consolation prize of sorts when she said, "I think that you're the real boss Mum but you let Dad think he's the boss". Ok, gotta get off the computer now and cook the man some eggs lol

  6. ha ha ha, I win … Leah said Ruby was the boss, Ruby said 'you' are the boss and then added 'and Daddy'. Just gotta work on convincing Leah her big sister isn't the boss – no wonder our attempts at discipline weren't working with her!

  7. Alica that probably means you have an equal, partnership of equals. Defn bonus points for you in heaven. (Just dont ask your children what they think. I mean, what do kids really know anyway, right?!)

  8. Im glad I didnt ask my littlest ones who the boss is. We all know that Bella Beast would have said, "duh, ME"… Hmm, for your house, you could try giving Ruby all the instructions which she will then pass on to Leah?!

  9. hahaha – oh my my my, I guess if I'm honest that R thinks exactly the same way your husband thinks. But you know, I'm pretty sure, that if I don't tell him what to do or when it needs doing things would not get done and we'd probably eat off paper plates! lol

  10. Aloha! My dear friend from Australia came to Hawaii last week bearing a signed copy of "Telesa" and after uttering the words, "Samoan Twilight", I was curious yet tentative as I accepted my gift. The cover and inside photos were enough to give me hope and 4 short days later (despite pesky work, family, dogs, church, studio, a gig and bronchitis), I sadly came to the end of your book and am currently suffering withdrawals. . .I've resorted to secretly referring to my tattooed, Samoan husband as "Daniel" in my mind and telling all of my friends to read it. Mahalo nui loa, Lani, I can't wait until the next book! And in response to the current topic. . .alas, I must confess that this Hawaiian woman bosses around my humble Samoan husband and son way too much. . .maybe one day I'll learn!

  11. Hilarious and ironic i come across this .. my husband and i just had a conversation with our 5 year old son about this topic .. son's response, "mom, you're the boss of daddy, and daddy is the boss of me and .. i'm the boss of YOU!" .. LOL Clearly this 5 year old wears the pants! haha

  12. I had a good laugh after reading this…I'm from a family of very strong and stubborn samoan women and I will always remember what my grandmother said to my mother before she passed away, "aua e ke fefe i lou ko'alua" never be afraid of your husband (by the way that's my dad) hahahahaha… Two months ago my brother got married and after the wedding, my two sisters and I were called in to a "family meeting" and my parents and uncles and aunties from all over world were there and our husbands and right there the focus of the family meeting was about me and my sisters bossing our husbands around…we were shocked and a bit embarrassed…guess what our husbands were doing?…they were trying really hard not to look at us and straight after the meeting they all said…"you guys should listen to your uncles and aunties". What did we do? We quietly told them that my aunties and uncles were just being nice to them to make them feel like part of our family lol…now and then my husbands tries to remind me about the meeting ha ha

  13. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!,,,,,, that soooooo sounded like me…only difference is, we cant ask my kids..they're 7 and 5….awesome Lani,…..u made my day….

  14. LMMAAAAOOOOO!!! Thank you Lani for sharing! That was freakin' hilarious! AHAHAHAAAAA!!! It's all good, you wear those pants and wear them proud because it's obviously working! =)

  15. First five years of our marriage was spent butting heads over who was in charge, and being told to be a good lil submissive christian wife LOL…. which just didn’t work for me. Finally after a stern talking to from my Dad who understands what its like to be married to a strong, stubborn, independent (emotional) woman, he backed down and let me be me. So now, he’s the boss. But only cos I say so LOL.

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