children, parenting, samoa writing

We need YOU!


A friend for our mother. Because then she won’t have so much time to spend obsessing about US and OUR friends. You must –

*Prefer communicating via Twitter, email and text. Too much human-to-human interaction makes our mum tired. Induces feelings of suffocation and paranoid cage-fighter behaviour. Plan on hanging out in person, oh..maybe twice a month? Oh, and she hates smiling when she doesnt want to. Fake smiling is a real strain for her.

*Be available to go to chick flick movies at odd hours of the day or night. Be willing to engage in deeply meaningful debates about who would make a better personal masseuse – Ryan Reynolds, SBW, or Thor.

*Love reading Twilight. A hundred different ways.

*Think that hanging out in bookstores/libraries is the perfect way to spend an hour or two.

*Think that House is hot. Desperate Housewives is a fascinating insight into the psyche of every woman. Cry in every episode of Grey’s Anatomy ( when you’re not studying McSteamy’s half-clothed self). Be sad that Brothers and Sisters was cancelled. Refuse to watch anything vaguely connected to Two and a Half Men (stupid rubbish. Are there no STANDARDS on television anymore?!)

*HATE all forms of social greeting that involve physical contact. Don’t hug her, social kiss her, pat her, touch her or breathe her air. She hates that. And people who do too much of that never make a good impression on her.

*Drink Diet Coke. Irresponsibly.

*Be able to make fun of everything and everyone. Have a twisted sense of humor, verging on sacriligous. Enough so that “Hi, I’m a Satan worshipper” is a very real tactic that you would consider using when you meet people at church whose excessive righteousness irritates you.

*Be willing to engage in mad-mother conversations where she can complain about us vehemently – and then come home a much nicer mother.

*Talk frequently about diets and exercise programs, running goals and fitness regimes. While sampling your latest chocchip cookie recipe.

*Be available to chuck sanity out the window and run in 100k relays. Just because it ‘sounds like a fun way to get away from the kids for 14 hours straight.’

*Never try to make her go to the beach/wilderness/forest/anywhere in the great outdoors. Never badger her to go camping. Swimming. Hiking.

*Not be an overly sensitive, politically correct person. You must be willing to participate when she dogs on her brown relatives, white relatives, and all the other color relatives. Don’t get offended when she tells you she’s a mongrel.

*Oh and it would help if you could frequently remind her how amazingly lucky she is to have such fabulous children….

(This has been an unauthorized blogpost from Lani’s five children. Our mother is a social recluse and she likes it that way. But that means she has far too much energy left to get on our case and blog about us. If you think this personal ad fits you perfectly, then please send us your application WITH a batch of your very best baking effort. Hint: we really like brownies and chocolate pie.)

11 thoughts on “We need YOU!”

  1. Nearing the end I was thinking "Gosh, Lani's mum sounds just like her!" Lol! Love it :)Fake smiling should be illegal.

  2. Haha love this one. I'm with you on the series bit – House is hot and so is the series which I never tire of watching, Grey's Anatomy we get sometimes so I'm behind on the lives of Mcsteamy and co. Bros & Hos cancelled? I didn't know that! And here I was waiting patiently for the next season lol. 2 & 1/2 men and all those silly comedies they show on TV2 there have got to go. And throw in Shortland St as well. I'll be your friend if it means we spend a full day within the walls of Borders on Queen St…and no talking allowed…and hey, they have a cafe, so that covers your diet coke requirements 🙂 Alas though, I can make a decent batch of brownies but not chocolate pie…i suck at pies. Still friends? :)Coconut Girl

  3. Coconut girl – I am desperate to befriend anybody who blogs the way you do. Even better that you agree on House's hotness ( he's insane but hot) And Im SOOO annoyed they cancelled Bros and Hos. ( love that title) Yes, its a defn – next time u come to NZ and are going to Borders, I will meet you there. No talking allowed. Lots of Diet Coke a must.We will forgive you for suckin at making pies. (you cant be perfect lol)

  4. this had me rolling at work..heheI dont blame you Lani, whatever happened to just waving 'hi and bye'? the excessive social greetings irks me too..hehehethanks for afternoon laugh Lani's kids..

  5. Blahblah We should start a campaign: DONT KISS ME -unless you're my husband or some other incredibly hot man Or maybe i could wear a sign that says "STAY AWAY FROM ME – I BITE"

  6. Dear Fab 5. Would like to apply for above position. Have realised small error in judgement in hugging your mother and will wave from a distance from now on. Have small problem with the diet coke thing unless your mother doesn't mind copious burping while hunting down copies of twilight zone. Which I have never read. But admit, am happy to train. However, will not in a million years take part in any kind of running, unless it is to kitchen cupboard to stock up on more baking. Am sure we can work out a solution, after all, unless you shove your mother out the door for driving-on-the-motorway lessons, she will have to run the 100k to get to my house. Much love, breathlessly awaiting your response. xx

  7. Dear breathlessly waiting Anna – We hope you havent died from loss of air. We apologize for the delay to your very impressive application letter, but our nutty mother was hogging the computer and we couldn't get on to check our mailbox.Even though you did not include ANY pie or brownies with your application, we think you will be perfect for the job. We especially love the thought of her having to run 100k every other week so she can hang out with you. That will force her to get fit and also ensure we can get at least 14 hours uninterrupted on the computer. We are hiring you on the spot. (that is, if you're still breathing?) The (evil) Fab Five

  8. Haha. Lani, my husband would love you. He already has a healthy obsession with Islander women, but your comment about not touching you to say hi could cinch the deal. We can hang out from afar. I prefer Chase to House but that's just an Aussie thing!

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