Little Daughter was looking at some old photo albums when she came across some pics of me going to Prom. With one boy. And then another pic of me going to Homecoming. With a different boy. And then another pic of me going to another Prom. With another boy. She turned confused eyes on me and asked, “But mum, where’s Dad?”
“He’s not in the picture. I didn’t know him then.”
More confusion. “So who are these boys?”
“Umm, other boys that I used to go out with. Other friends.”
A look of horror. “You mean Dad wasn’t your only boyfriend?! You loved OTHER boys!?” She sounded as shocked as if someone had just told her that Santa ate reindeer for breakfast. As if I had just confessed to being the biggest skankiest ho’ outside of Ho-Ville.
I had to explain that yes, mums and dads could have other past boyfriends and girlfriends and then still fall in love and get married to each other. Which prompted more aghast questions, “You mean, Dad had some other girlfriends TOO?!” Oh did he ever... (And just like that the Hot Man joined Santa at the roast reindeer buffet. Boogied his skanky ho self over to join me in Ho’Ville.)
So me and Little Daughter had to chat a bit more about how her dad is the most amazingest man in the world and I love him the bestest, mostest in the whole universe….and none of those other boys could ever hope to compare. (Especially not that jerk in 6th grade who just toyed with my emotions, made me think that he liked me and then told everybody that my legs looked like a chicken’s. I should totally write a story with him in it – and then have him die a miserable, slow death. Attack by rabid chickens. Ha.)
Sorry, I was digressing. Back to my original discussion, if you’re a regular reader of this blog, then you’ve probably figured out that I’m very up-front with my children. I don’t lie to them about what I’ve done and when I did it. But I’m also very open with them about what I regret and what I’ve learned from my past. My honesty with my children has raised some eyebrows with other parents but it’s what works for us.
What about you – how much do you tell YOUR children? If you’re trying to teach them the importance of living by certain principles which include – no alcohol, drugs or cigarettes – then how much do you tell them about your past drinking and everything else? If you’re raising a family on a strong Christian foundation which includes guidelines like – no dating until they’re 16 and no sex before marriage – then how open are you when they want to know what you got up to and how old you were when you got up to it?! …Those have been some of our challenges in the honesty arena – what are yours?
Lani Wendt Young 
Oh, that's a tough one. I'm seriously dreading the day the kids start asking me about my past.. *shudder*.. But I'll try and be honest, and like you said, emphasize the pitfalls to certain decisions. Pray for me!..LOL
I think I'll be a very open and honest mother with my children. Growing up I wasn't told a lot (about the things of this world) from my olds (as I'm sure a lot of other pacific islander teens out there will know and understand). So I never really had a strong understanding of what kinds of things would unfold if I choose alternative paths in life. I had to find out on my own. I take my hat off to you Lani for being courageous enough to step out of the norm and to try a different approach with your kids. j
My kids are still young, so I haven't talked about the dating thing. But, we have had the discussion about the fact that Mommy used to smoke a LONG time ago. I want to have an open relationship with my kids, and when the time is right we will talk about all the things Mommy did (well maybe not all). Daddy never lived in Ho-ville, so it will have to be Mommy's stories.
OMG – love this post! HOOT!I don't have children of my own and my step-child came into my life when he was around 11-12 years old – and he's a boy.So…I have never personally had to concern myself with those "chats" but I will say that I take the opportunity, whenever given, to talk about tough lessons learned etc. Shared my experiences etc. I don't likely go into any depth of "private" details given that his mother could be relayed any amount of information so that's sort of my line of censorship…would I want hubby's x-wife knowing this stuff?That being said, I grew up with a VERY open mother and father. There wasn't much I didn't know about from my Mom (sex, period and tampons, drinking, drugs etc). Not much came as a surprise to me (except maybe peer pressure – Mom grew up in a different country where the pressures on girls were much less).If I had a child, I would hope that I'd do the same…pass along my lessons learned as honestly as I could…so hats off to YOU! Great job!
@Jo_an I am one of those that my strict catholic parents did not talk to about the birds and the bees. Luckily, for my parents, my lack of knowledge, made me completely oblivious of peer pressures to have sex. I was such a nerd. I was more worried about my grades than what I "should" be doing with a boyfriend. Unfortunately for me my kids live in the internet age of social media, "sex sells", and youtube. Oh my, the things kids can learn on youtube…eek! But I do try to explain clearly any questions my kids have. Luckily no questions of our past girlfriends and boyfriends yet. Only "why wasn't I in these pictures" kind of questions. Unfortunately for my kids I've learned, from my nieces and nephews, that teens do not learn from other's mistakes. Only use them as an excuse to do the same thing. But we didn't raise those kids so I literally PRAY that we are raising the kind of kids that will know right from wrong and are confident enough to make that decision despite their friends. I don't know if I should ever fully disclose my past to my kids, but they surprise me all the time. My kids comprehend more than I give them credit for and they remember the values that I've tried to instill in them. Maybe when they are little older, when the time is right, but for now maybe just stories and lessons I've learned from being a naive teenager and a head strong young adult.
Hahaha! You're daughter is so cute!Mum and dad don't talk much about their past and touchy subjects like dating – except mum said not to until Uni. LOL I know a tiny bit about their relationship in the early years but not much.Honestly, I'd feel extremely uncomfortable talking to them about stuff like that. But it's always been in my head that drugs, alcohol and sex was not allowed. I don't remember ever being TOLD.
Paige – I''ll pray for you…if you pray for me! lolJoan – My parents didnt tell us anything about their early years, we didnt even get to hear about how they met, how they dated and etc. As a young woman growing up, I would have liked to know more about how my own mother faced her challenges and even what her relationship with my dad was like as they were dating. I wouldnt have wanted skanky details per se, but stories about their youth and meeting 'typical' teen tough situations – would have gone a long way to helping me connect with my parents and know that when they gave me counsel, they really did know what they were talking about and moreimportantly, they could empathize with me and what i was going thru because they have been there.Jenny – still laughing at "Daddy never lived in Ho'Ville". My husband had several serious relationships before we met whereas i was still living at home and very much a closeted Samoan girl, so i like to tease him that he's got way more Ho'Ville stuff to 'hide'( i mean explain) from the children than i do. Natalie – I admire that you are able to parent your son with honesty, even if he did come into your life when he was a teen. Like you, i think the key is to be honest but alot depends on HOW we tell them stuff. My 13yr old daughter wanted to know if i ever tried drinking alcohol and i told her the truth – with TONS OF EMPHASIS on the hangover/puke/headache/feeling like crap the next day. Rather than on the happy buzzy time i had while i was drunk. So yes, honest but leaning more towards one side of the story than the other! Reenie – Yes kids do comprehend way more than we think and that gets me into trouble sometimes! lol. they re also going to do whatever they want at the end of the day. Sometimes i wish i could lock them up in a cupboard and only let them out to go to church or something. We can teach them all the things we hope they will take with them on their journey…and they will have to make thier own mistakes! (noooooooo….)Laura, that sounds like my parents. They never told me not to have sex with everyone. They just said "Be a good girl" and kept reminding me that the world is full of evil boys everywhere lol.
Lani, I just love your blog! It would take way too long to answer these questions…and my two sons are grown, but I was usually totally or mostly honest with them! 🙂
P.S. I forgot to say I just LOVED the title of this post!
Holy guacamole, this is a good post ;)Laura, they prob never talked about how they met coz it would be an example of what we know NOT to do. D'oh!Will I ever tell the kid about my past mistakes? Yea for sure (those that I can remember, anyway), but follow it up with "And I've regretted it ever since." LOL!!
Thank you Becky – I hope Dr Seuss and the Whos Down in Who-Ville dont sue me for that one, LOL.Sina – I agree, always emphasize the deep gut-wrenching REGRET.Essential ingredient.
I read this yesterday and it made me laugh. I started to type a reply, but then thought maybe I should think about it first. Which is what I have to do when I answer my kids. Mine are 15 and 17. I think as a parent, we are forced to evade the truth. We have to promote "This is what you should strive to do." Then later it becomes, "No, I didn't succeed in that strive, and messed up a lot, but I learned a lot of wrong things to do and you would be smart to learn from my failures." Now it's like, "Yeah, I had a lot of boyfriends, I probably did some stuff that was fun, but I'm not particularly proud of, and it's really none of your business. It's your life to live. I've raised you the best I can. Please go out in the world and do your best." Mostly now, I just pray they stay safe.
I just started reading your blog – it is hilarious…went through your posts the past few months…very entertaining! I can totally relate to some (okay most) of them…esp the one about BYU – yes, I went there for two years but transferred to Univ. of Utah. Love your work and writing! Malo lava!
I'm pretty much open. It helps that I was a naive nerd in high school because when I talk with my kids about my wild college days I always feel like it's sort of hinting that they too have to wait until they go to college. Well, here's hoping my daughter goes to college (you know, you read my latest GED scare post–ack!)I love the title of your post btw–hysterical!!
LOL!! We all have to kiss frogs before finding our Prince 🙂
Haha I love your blog because I can relate to most of them. However, this post reminds me of the conversations/questions I always ask my mum. Blog is amazing 🙂 Its the first thing I read when I get access to the internet haha which is every morning/midnight when the younger siblings are at school or asleep haha But I really like this post! It sounds like my mother when we talk about school and all the wild things she's done haha My favorite of her stories is when she is talking about her life when she was in SAMOA COLLEGE! Greatest!
Thank you for checking out my blog Letupu. I agree, listening to mother stories of their 'wild days' can be fascinating, lol. Your mums a ex-SAMCO ay? I wonder if there were any Daniels there when she was a student there?!
Jillian I like the way you sum that up, with your approach – so true. We start off by teaching and telling them the ideal, what we hope for them to live by, then gradually move into 'I know this way works because i tried THAT way and it was way stupid…' and then eventually, we're letting them go and hoping they dont make mistakes that are too huge! Ah parenting. I never knew it would be this precarious a calling.Pauline, love having new readers join the blog, glad youre enjoying it.Coleen, thats why im always on particular lookout for other mother/parenting bloggers so that i can learn from their experiences. Your recent post on the GED scare was funny, but an excellent reminder to me that we have to let our children room to grow, to choose, and to change their minds (at the drop of a hat.) Even when it terrifies us. Thank you.Carey Ann – Agree. But as i look back, did some of them have to be such awful frogs?! LOL
I am very open and honest with my kids- my parents were the same with me. I want them to feel safe asking me anything and coming to me when they make mistakes just like I did.