angelina jolie, Barbie, body, health, John Mayer, Oprah, samoa, writing

My Body is a Wonderland.

WARNING – Do not read this if you are:
a. A man. You wouldnt understand any of it.
b. Barbie. Get your plastic fantastic self back to the assembly line.
c. In a ‘Embrace our inner beauty and love yourself’ mood. I don’t want to hear it. Go read Oprah’s blog instead. Or hug a tree. Save an endangered snail. Whatever. Just go away.

Every woman hates at least one part of her body. (Unless that woman is Barbie.) I’m betting that even Angelina Jolie hates something about herself. ‘Oh Brad, do you think my bones look big in this dress?’ Now I know that we are all supposed to be embracers of our beautiful selves. Finding the joy in every squishy, blubbery piece of ourselves just like Oprah says we should. Your body is a temple. And most days, I’m good at singing along to John Mayer, ‘My body is a Wonderland.’ But other days? Shizz, let’s get real.

Today’s one of those days. There’s a lot about this ‘temple’ of mine that needs a do-over on the Home Improvement show. But the one thing I hate the most is my stomach. My belly to be precise. Ugh.

Some women carry their weight in their butt whereas one of my nicknames in high school was ‘pancake butt’. As in No-Butt-Lani. Other women, carry their weight in their thighs and legs. Thunder-thighs, kalo legs. Not me. (refer to ‘Chicken Legs Lani’ post) Some women carry all their abundance in their chest. And then complain about it loudly when flat-chested girls can hear them. ‘Ohmigosh it’s just soooo annoying having a chest like this, nothing fits me and I fall over everytime I have to bend over, don’t you just hate it?!’  (Hmm, can’t say I’ve ever had that problem…)

 No, my body peeve is all in my stomach. It used to be amazing – a long time ago, back when I didn’t appreciate it. Back when I ate whatever I wanted, did no exercise and danced too much in too many nightclubs. I see pics of my stomach back then and I’m like…DAAAYUUM give that beautiful thing an Academy Award!

But now? It’s got no self-control or self-respect whatsoever. It just slobs around the house like someone who’s been lazing about in their pyjamas, eating donuts and watching Desperate Housewives reruns…for ten years straight. Ugh. It doesn’t help that it’s been stretched out of shape several times. Or had the muscle tone all sliced out of it by three c-sections. If I could deport my belly out of the country I would. Or even re-assign some of it. Like, send some of it to the pancake butt! Or re-allocate it to the chest region. Maybe donate some to Angelina even…oh the things I could do with this salubrious stomach… So when I’m in body-hate mode, it’s that stomach that I usually pick on.

And then the Hot Man gets on my case. Because according to him, “You should be more grateful for your belly. It’s nurtured our babies. Helped to give them life. Worked hard to carry them. Those stretch marks are signs of what your body went through to bring our children to this earth. I love your stomach – and so should you.”  (Did I mention that the Hot Man can be very sweet when he wants to be? And it’s so nice when your man is blinded by the eyes of love.)

Hmm, so I’m looking at this slob of a stomach and I’m trying to see it the way the Hot Man sees it. I’m narrowing my eyes, looking at it from all different angles in the mirror…but I’m still not seeing it.

Because I’m not blinded by the eyes of love.

I HATE MY STOMACH. It’s horrible. So there.

If you’re having one of those days, then please feel free to join in and tell us what do YOU hate about your stunning self? (And for the love of donuts, please don’t tell us why we should be happy with our bodies and live in Nirvana bliss with our fat. I’m not in the mood.)

When I die, get resurrected and go to heaven – I better have my old stomach back. It looked just like this. Honest. My body was a WONDERLAND dammnit! And if they try to offload some slob stomach on me – then I want my money back.  

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21 thoughts on “My Body is a Wonderland.”

  1. Put it there sister. The stomach/tummy area is one area (note I said 'one' which means I have many areas) of my body that just plain depresses me. Although I hate it, I try not to focus on it because as the law of attraction states – 'anything that you focus on (good,bad or flabby) grows'. I just think back to when I had a flat, toned stomach many moons ago and wish those days back. Thing is, I hated my stomach back then thinking it was too fat, too puffy etc… when it was perfect. The moral of the story is – appreciate what you have now because in ten to twenty years you're going to realize just how good you had it.

  2. Bwahahaha!! Lani you crazy! LOL! But seriously though, same stomach and chest issues, different body. I like to say I have an athletes chest. Yea whatever I wasn't blessed up there. My lower half got greedy with the fat distribution. So, I have the total opposite of the pancake booty and chicken legs. Big ole heaping thunder thighs and huge calves all my life, with a big ole booty to insure that I'd never fit into girls jeans as a teenager. I had to wear men's jeans back then. Now not so bad, but DO NOT even ask me about "skinny jeans". The name itself is a warning for me to stay away. Maybe they should change the name to Angelina jeans. hehe. I love her, but somebody give the lady some food! So Brad doesn't mistake her for a starving refugee child and tries to adopt her. Just kidding I love Brangelina! I can't believe you've had THREE c sections. OMG I've only had one with the twins and I absolutely hated it. While I was pregnant with twins I carried all the weight in my belly. Yea well two years later I'm STILL carrying all that weight in my belly grrrr!! It's my own fault I know this (as I open the chocolate bar). But I still hate it. I was wrapping it for a long time after I gave birth, then I realized the brace wasn't doing anything but giving me a rash. It's just there, taunting me, telling me to stop hanging on to my old jeans and just buy a bigger size so it can breathe. Darn you wiggly oddly shaped belly! Go away already. I hate you!!WOW that felt good! Thanks for the permission to vent. But I can't say I ever had a stomach like your old one. I always remember the little pooch. Even as a teenager I remember never having a flat stomach. Oh wells, I loved samoan bread too much. ooh some Samoan bread and coco rice sounds good right about now! LOL! I need help. =/

  3. It's such a sad truth that all women hate something about their bodies or at least have days where they feel self conscious about something. I work with some truly gorgeous girls who would be the envy of any female but the way they talk about their body gripes makes me shake my head. It's weird that sometimes we can feel really great about our bodies and then other times just looking at ourselves in the mirror makes us want to weep. I'm lucky in the body fat department but I would give that up sometimes to be a little taller!

  4. LOL Can totally relate to this post! I have been in "I hate my body" mode for a long minute now! Especially with pending wedding. Pet peeve is the belly too and whenever the man tries to tell me otherwise all I hear is "blah blah blah"… They need to invent a pill already. Lol

  5. Ohhh… I remember the days of thinking my belly was too big and it was actually really beautiful. and my hubby too is thankfully blinded by the rosy glasses of lurve. Whew. Now it's got a mind of its own and likes to pop out the bottom of shirts that used to fit me and have a bit of a look around. I hate looking down to find it gazing out at the world. It's my most most most hated aspect of me. BUT I learned something last night, actually I've learned a few things over the last few days.1. I've looked at a few people who I know have had at least 2 kids and I've thought 'hmmm you're not as tightly tummied as you look are you' and so I've started to notice what they're wearing. I"m doing the clothing thing all wrong. There are shirts out there with patterns and drapes that make it impossible to tell the real size of the flop living underneath. Now I just have to find me some money!2. DON'T hang out with skinny people. Hang out with other mothers. Other mothers who have no boundaries and are happy to compare bellies. Seriously, it will make you feel better. Well, it did me anyway. I still hate mine but I know I'm not alone in it!Next time I come over, I'm showing you my belly (and I've only had TWO!). Ha ha ha ha ha, that should freak your 'don't put swimming togs on and show me your body' self out some … xx

  6. I am so glad none of you tried to tell me to be kind to myself or to be grateful that I did have a stomach at all or tell me to rejoice in my bodys inner beauty blah blah blah. This is me at my superficial whiny best and I didnt want any other kind of feedback! LOL I completely agree Anon1 – i thought i was fat back then and i didnt appreciate what i had. So yeah, I do need to downsize my view a bit because in a few more years, BOOYAH who knows how horrible this stomach will be!? LOLReenie – skinny jeans are stupid. Who invented them? And now boys wear them everywhere too. i am a Brangelina fan. Whch is why i pick on her so much…

  7. Omg that picture is killing me aaaahh burning my eyes ahhaha this piece in all its straight fowardness and a bit of negativity just makes me Smile lol. LOVE IT, another classic.

  8. ahh yes. don't we all have days like this. every time i hit a low, i make vows never to touch the white bread again, soda, chocolate. but that only lasts for half a day? hahamy biggest ugh about myself has always been my skin. i'm in my 30s but i have acne scars from my teens, and it SUCKS BIG TIME. and then of course there's the tummy-post pregnancies and love handles and mushroom top that displays itself when i squeeze into my jeans. thank goodness we have a man that loves us beyond all of this. mine will roll his eyes "yes, you look fine! you always do. now can we go?" lol. your hubby sounds like daniel to me–i can def see him saying that to leila 🙂

  9. I love the part that you didn't appreciate what you had back then. I know I didn't. I totally should have appreciated the bod back then. Back then, I didn't like it cuz I was 5'9" and weighed 118 lbs. I was "too skinny" and "had no boobs" But I had no fat on my thighs, a decent butt for a skinny girl and discovered you could push up the little boobage I had, and a very flat tummy. I even somehow managed to get the tummy back a bit after I had my kids. Then I don't know what happened. Well, yeah I do. I got old, hate exercising, and love to eat. I'm still having an internal struggle over is the tummy worth it. Hmm flat stomach or eating and no working out. That's why they make floaty tops nowdays right? You can pretend the tummy doesn't exsist sometimes.

  10. Lmao!!! I love this post! I'm here to complain about my hips. My hips don't lie!!! They are proof of every piece of fat-induced food or drink that I got away with up until now. I cannot find a pair of jeans to fit in all the right places for the life of me. Thanks so much for this new support group 🙂

  11. Reenie – 3 c-sections are my excuse for my horrible stomach. And then I met this personal trainer woman at the gym and she interrupted my sad tale of c-section woe to tell me that – SHE's had 3 c-sections too and HELLO look at her six pack washboard abs? (I dont think i ever went back there again.)Lan – thats true. I dont think i ever hear the beautiful women around me, saying nice things about themselves. Which is sad really. Do u think its because we're always comparing ourselves to the 'beautiful' women in magazines/media? Who have convoys of beauty refiners to prep them? If i ever get famous Im sooo going to have a convoy of beauty specialists…nah, I would need an entire army of specialists… Thank you for the reminder about height. I'm 5'10 and Im very grateful for my height, forgot abt that. (can u imagine how much bigger my stomach would be if i were shorter! aaaargh.)HPPsychoFan – LOL at the picture. I was scanning a photo of my half naked stomach from back in the days when i was dating the Hot Man. I was going to use it (to show off that i had a lovelly stomach a long time ago) when the Hot Man got all horrified on me. "YOu cant show people your stomach!" Why not, it was beautiful and must be shared. "No, you cant." So no pic of the wonderland that was me…sigh.Sieni – you and me both make the same promises. Every other day. I wonder when I die and go to heaven or wherever, will i look back and relfect on what a total waste of time i spent hating my body? Hmm…now theres something for me to think about. As I go in search of donuts. (oh and yes, I can totally see Daniel saying something like that to Leila. Only, she will prob never get a slobby stomach. I dont know if i like Leila anymore…)Jillian – YES more confirmation for me that we are like sisters separated by umm…a few oceans, and a couple of DNA that govern our skin tone – I was way tall and skinny in high school and I hated it. People teased me abt my stick figure, the chicken legs, and more. I wanted to be short and lusciouser like the other girls. Now i see pics of self back then and realize…i should have been loving it! LOL I try to always point out to my daughters how beautiful they are right now, (as well as super smart and talented) so they wont waste time hating on themselves. ( They can do that when theyre my age and bloggin about their every whinge. LOL) L.J – You and Shakira's "hips that dont lie" – are all the better for shaking and dancing up a storm! I sympathize completely with the jeans quest. I cant find any that look good on me either. Jeans are stupid things….

  12. hhmmm…SORRY, no curve hugging, body embracing here. I HATE EVERYTHING ABT MY BODY. And unfortunately, I have the THUNDER THIGHS, the TALKING TUMMY, the ROUND FACE and yeah…everything. So let's have a :I HATE MY BODY: party..I'll bring the

  13. Oh how time flies by -.- lol I probably have no grounds on which to say this without the risk of sounding like, as my grandma used to say, paie child! lol mainly considering the fact that I am only 19 (*and the fact that I have my whole life ahead of me blah blah blah, but mehh who knows what can happen tomorrow lol) Anyways, I know what I'm about to say really has no impact at all considering it was only, oh lets say 5 years ago -.- lol, back when my mind was not so diversely influenced and informed? i guess lol Back when all I cared about was scoring in the rugby games, beating my best friend fa'afetais track record -.- lol *which btw, i never did come to break lol oh and yes, when my stomach was my best friend lol I keep telling myself that one of these days I'm going to get over this little phase but with 20 quickly approaching -.- lol anyways, yes – ever since I got my stomach a little more room to I guess be itself? zzz lol I am sadly one of all of the above mentioned girls – I have an uncompromising appetite *which explains my amazingly phat stomach lol, coupled with a fat butt & an overbearing desire to go down a size from the already big enough boobs -.- lol So far, this year of mine has consisted of broken promises to clean up my act as well as a never ending appetite to devour all & anything that stands in front of me, crazy as it sounds *'cause i know it is lol, I made a goal in the beginning of 2009 that I would gain 10pounds and so far I am succeeding so very well, *don't ask about the gaining pounds thing – it was an uneducated decision lol

  14. LOL @kuaback, oh how I understand your pain – my thunder thighs are a pain – you bring the cheesecake i'll shotties the wine 😉 buahahahaha ehhhh mo le bored i le ofisa o le sa'o lea -.- lol

  15. Oh lani – I feel the same about my stomach. It's not at all what it used to be. I never really knew how good I had it until now (like anonymous at the top said). It looks terrible and I avoid looking at it in the mirror because I see something I don't recognize as me. wow – that's something I've never admitted to so openly before. thanks for posting and for shining some light on the dark more evil twin of 'loving yourself'. we all have these kinds of thoughts, we just don't admit it. j

  16. I have a huge butt. Even when I lose weight I have an ass that makes a hippo proud. I also have droopy boobs.So there…big ass, droopy boob girl…yeah don't care for it.LOL.T

  17. I love your idea Kuaback – lets have a "I hate my body" party…please do bring the cheesecake. Joan, sometimes i still have this image in my mind of what i THINK i still look like – and then its such a shock when i see myself on camera or in a photo. aaaaargh! Welcome Tirzah – this is where huge butts and droopy boobs women hang out. Would you like a piece of Kuaback's cheesecake!?

  18. I don't know what you're talking about, you look absolutely fine to me, though I don't know what you looked like 10 yrs ago so I can't compare 🙂 I'm so over being fat already. And I am FAT. Everything I eat goes straight to my stomach (like where the hell else is it supposed to go, in my ear? lol) everything else is relatively slim and then big bulge in the middle. I've got stretchmarks the size of Free Willy. And they're not white marks either, they are black. You know, cos you really wanted to know. The husband, no tact whatsoever tells me I'm fat and to please do something about my stomach. Yeah hun, did you forget you MADE ME GET PREGNANT 4 TIMES? Do you think it's easy doing balardy sit-ups and sucking your stomach in every time you have to step out of the house? So yeah, I hate my body and much as there are ways and ways to get rid of the flaws, I'm really just too lazy. I'd rather buy a girdle.

  19. Let me start off by saying, YOU'RE a Winner with sweeping Hot Man off his feet 😉 "You should be more grateful for your belly. It's nurtured our babies. Helped to give them life. Worked hard to carry them. Those stretch marks are signs of what your body went through to bring our children to this earth. I love your stomach – and so should you." — That in itself should be an inspiration for a poetry piece Lani!

  20. I would love to transfer some of my tummy to my butt because I cannot find pants that fit perfectly. In saying that, skinny jeans are the closest to a good fit I can find because they don’t make me look like a clown or gather in unwanted places.

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