There are worms living on my eyelashes and eyebrows, feasting on my dead skin cells and eye secretions and burrowing into my hair follicle. They have tiny claws and needle-like mouthparts so they can burrow and feast. They come out at night when I'm asleep and crawl over my eyes, laying their eggs and having… Continue reading What Happens when you Shove a Burning Stick in Your Eye
WARNING - Do not read this if you are:a. A man. You wouldnt understand any of it.b. Barbie. Get your plastic fantastic self back to the assembly line.c. In a 'Embrace our inner beauty and love yourself' mood. I don't want to hear it. Go read Oprah's blog instead. Or hug a tree. Save an… Continue reading My Body is a Wonderland.
Mean Matt's Twin BrotherThe other day, someone called the gym their " happy place." I couldnt see how that could be possible. Unless they've started serving Diet Coke and Doritos at the gym. And Ryan Reynolds is doing the serving. So I went to my gym to check.My usual nice personal trainer Steve was on holiday. He had… Continue reading It’s NOT a ‘happy place’. Why you shouldnt go to the gym.
My crystal ball future self?So yesterday I joined a gym. Not only that, I paid to have three sessions with a personal trainer - who would gaze into a crystal ball and tell me my future. 'I see a tall, dark, super toned, kickbutt, beautiful woman running towards me. She looks like a light-brown version… Continue reading The Gym Journey Begins. With Chocolate Chip Cookies.